(For entertainment purposes only)
Dear Sacha Baron Cohen,
The appropriate punishment for your racial hostility aimed getting laughs at the expense of my sex life generally and my penis specifically would have been sweet to plan.
I thought it would start with a hands-free face slapping session broadcast live with some of that multi camera 3d shit where a viewer could go back to each slap and choose a new vantage point to see your reddened cheeks. Of course anyone you met in the future would be required to watch six hours of footage before each potential date, including the part where you kind of have that personal meltdown.
We’d go on for hours, you in the middle of the town square would probably get hungry at some point, but because there are so many hung Asian brothers out there waiting for a turn, there’d be no time to stop for a snack. Perhaps a protein drink instead?
From there, we’d unfortunately have to move on to humiliating, degrading, and destroying the sexual confidence of the kids in your family. Extended family too. Can I ask… Did you enjoy hurting all those young boys when you were on stage? Was the idea of ridiculing millions of boys’ penises on a stage such as the Oscars too exciting to pass up? Regardless, the logic you endorsed will be sufficient for ours – it’ll be your family’s fault because they should have thought about it before choosing to be born related to you.
So let’s see… we’ve revisited shock and embarrassment, your penchant for the sexual humiliation of young boys…. ah yes, turn for turn, the bad taste you left in our mouths can be returned with the weeklong use of your orifices as a urinal. Why stop there? Let’s just have you be the human processor at the bottom of a portable bathroom. I think I’ve seen some devices that keep a person’s mouth open.
It’s all for a good laugh right? Comedy’s great. Hey have you heard that one about Sacha Baron Cohen vomiting shit and piss for a week?
No, of course it’s not tasteless!