“No Asian Men, It’s a Preference Not Racism.”

17 thoughts on ““No Asian Men, It’s a Preference Not Racism.””

  1. Kelley according to the definition, we might both be ‘racist’ but in all fairness even ethnic minorities can be considered the same. I’m an American in Britain. The amount of times I hear “damn yankees” and other really terrible stereotypes is unbelievable. The men who threatened my wellbeing whom I mentioned, were Pakistani and because I kicked them out of my shop repeatedly (for harassing customers and rolling spliffs on the tables and other gang behaviour) they labeled me racist and essentially threatened to sexually assault me. They spread rumours that the American lady who ran the shop didn’t like Pakistanis and as the area was 90% Pakistani, it caused a lot of problems.
    I know this is diverting from the OP but racism against whites (though I don’t identify myself as white) is real too.
    I think having a dating/attraction preference is fine and anyone is entitled to have that preference, but teaching others to feel the same by rumours and exaggeration is damaging and part of the greater problem. And that door swings both ways.

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    1. I’m sorry you’ve endured what sounds like something on the awkward-to-awful spectrum in your online dating experiences. Your logic ostensibly makes sense, and no doubt serves to protect yourself. i don’t wish to talk you out of a mindset, and I do think your experiences were bad enough to warrant some kind of change.

      I think we both agree that the way you were treated was unacceptable. However, I bring us back to the e.g. of suffrage. If I encountered two women who spoke unintelligently on politics, i might be inclined to ignore all women on political issues… my experiences confirmed it 100% percent, and it may be my right and preference to do so, but…. the reality is that if everyone chose to rely on a stereotype or limited experiences, we would still be with out civil rights, with black folks enslaved and women badly subjugated.

      How does one cross this gap?

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      1. I think it’s slightly different when generalising against an entire gender for a subject like that. That’s a little apples and oranges. That’s not looking to accommodate someone in your everyday life.
        Don’t misunderstand, I am not meaning to excuse the predicament of racial bias in dating. But like I said, unattractive women are passed up just as easily and there are a lot of men after a small number of women in online dating. The women lucky enough to get responses have free rein to dismiss men in large groups. The nature of online dating is potentially dangerous and uncomfortable, and because we are given an ability to tick boxes and narrow down results, we can often discriminate without thinking. So I think your article is important to point out this injustice.
        I think the thing to take away from what I’m trying to say is that women who don’t feel they can be attracted to Asians aren’t worth your effort trying to change their minds in the first place.
        Similarly, the women who might be slightly or more overweight or less ‘pretty’ than others, and get no responses, are probably great girls, but everyone’s competing over the more attractive ones who are then forced to find a way to be more specific in their preferences.
        It isn’t a definite line. I think everyone needs to examine all the ways in which they perceive different groups for different purposes, and understand their perceptions might be very shallow.

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  2. I hated online dating. The ones who contacted me and didn’t get a reply a) had poor written verbal skills b) were too well dressed in their photos c) were too sexual, too soon, among other reasons. That was the same for black, white, purple, rainbow, whatever. I found that most guys, regardless of colour, were not what I wanted. Some of the white ones were the worst. But I did end up avoiding conversing with certain “Asian” groups due to the culture of those groups in the area after having highly negative experiences with a few of them (threats of harm to my wellbeing during a job I had). Because of those experiences I’d be surprised if I ever date a Pakistani from Oxfordshire/Warwickshire. Which is not to say they must all be bad, but their accent, dressing style, and colloquialisms made me very nervous after my encounter and it would probably be impossible to fall in love if part of me is afraid and can’t control it. I find certain cultures have certain common characteristics of behaviour which strongly conflict with what I can tolerate in a relationship. There was a Mexican who was cute and we had a lot in common bit he was far too sweet and it made me cringe. Stuff like that. Behaviours they might be raised with, which you’ve seen evidenced eighty times already in their men and don’t like, so instead of deciding to learn from experience you should give every guy a chance even though there’s a good percentage you’ll get the same result? This stuff is time consuming, and I think a lot of people might be closet racists, but not all who say “I just can’t be attracted all races of people” are in the wrong.
    I got a lot of “I just love Americans. You’re all so _____.” Really? I’m not. That’s also racist but because I also appear white that’s somehow okay. (I’m about 40% white background)
    Are guys who only date blondes racist?
    But more relevant to the post, I always heard Asian and Italian men were not well-endowed. And it was true about the short Italian guy I dated…
    So depending on your mood you’ll either read this and think I’m racist or not, touchy subject. I think the line is blurry on both sides.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So, first, thank you for your reply. You make some good points, obviously considered the issue, and made a sole dissenting opinion (in itself a difficult thing) in a room of contrary opinions.

      I wanted to reply somewhat broadly by saying that one’s experiences, while obviously important, are rarely sufficient rational justification for making generalized propositions about a much larger class. There are a few problems, including one known as “confirmation bias” and the other, statistical, that there is an insufficient and not arbitrary sampling.

      Liking or preferring a characteristic is mostly okay, I think, as long as it’s examined introspectively, as you do for your preferences. However, race to someone who is without racial privilege, is not simply a characteristic, but rather feeds into an ethnic identity along withh and defined through with language, religion, mythology, and philosophy. It is possible a rejection stands for more than preference from perspectives outside yours.

      I agree that there will be those who may not be represented well in those statistics. You may be one. That’s not for me to judge, but I will say I appreciate you taking the time to look inside yourself and share that.

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      1. One problem with online dating is being able to be choosy without too much consequence. If a girl imagines her perfect guy and his colour doesn’t match yours, she can easily say “no” before giving you a chance. And if you’re quite a catch, that’s really her loss.
        Combine that with the inequality of numbers of genders: Far fewer women than men. Unattractive women can get passed up as easily as the racial groups you describe.
        For the others, they are bombarded with attempts to initiate conversations. So a sea of men after a small number of women encourages women to be more specific to cut down the numbers.
        If the women have only ever known certain races of men, (maybe demographics of where they were raised) they might be unlikely to step outside their comfort zones.
        Sometimes what we think we want is true only in thought. Meeting a person in real life can change anything.
        I found it enabled people to lie and deceive, required oodles of time for small talk, opened me up to sexually harassing behaviour, and required a whole lot of trust to meet anyone in person, with 99% disappointing results. Online dating in general was such a bad experience I kinda gave up all together and decided I’d rather be alone.

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      2. This is why I originally asked if I would be considered racist by only dating Asians, being white. I have only dated for a few years but in that amount of time I have been contacted with too many booty calls, none from Asian men. Posts/emails from those men are polite, respectful, genuinely seem interested in me, and they have read my profile. Another reason that they are more into family, I live in a multigenerational household, for most races/ cultures this is an odd concept, not so for the men I have had contact with. These men have been from China, Japan or the Philippines. One was very, very promising, but I am in no position to go visit or move there and I didn’t feel that we could really know each other in the 90 days to commit to marriage.
        Online dating is a crapshoot, you never if what you see is what you get. You have to rely on faith and online background checks. I have always been polite to people contacting me even if I have no interest. But ‘thisandthat’, you are right, unless you are photogenic, you will get passed over, even if the person looking is not all that. I am out of the pond for awhile due to lack of anything out there I am interested in, which could be my loss.

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  3. I find dating preferences intriguing. I’m much taller than the average female, and I used to prefer dating men who were taller than me. (Men at boob height can make conversation awkward, to say the least.) But then I discovered that — for the most part — the taller the guy, the less interesting the guy was. My personal theory is that shorter guys got overlooked by superficial idiots (like me!), and they had to work harder to get attention. Shorter guys were smarter, wittier, and more likely to get my jokes.

    But I was only able to discover this because my preference was just that — a preference. I was drawn to taller guys, but I didn’t draw a line in the air and say, “You must be at least six feet tall to ride this attraction!”

    The minute a person won’t even consider hiring, dating, or befriending a person based on racial characteristics, THEN “preference” is just a euphemism for racism.

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  4. Sooo, does that mean because I am white, but will only date Asian men, I too am racist? Unfortunately I have to say, I agree with the stats because I know I am not in the norm.

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    1. Well, I understand your point, I think perhaps I am resistant to saying that you’re making a purely racial / racially discriminatory distinction for a couple reasons. First, the requirement or desire for symmetry in the logic requires that there is symmetry in the expression. To illustrate the meaning, consider affirmative action. But for the history of oppression, boosting numbers from certain populations od color or races, wouldn’t make sense and would be conferring an advantage as opposed to remedying prior wrongs.

      So to be honest, yes, somewhat, but consider yourself a counterweight on an unjust situation. we’re at a time when we need badly to address the issue – thank you so much for your thoughts

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  5. I agree, totally racist. I am also tired of people saying, “but I am just not attracted to them.” If you really, really have them explain why…you open a can of racist worms. I mean, let them REALLY explain the gritty details why they’re not attracted. Yikes. Way off on so many levels but it’s okay – their narrow mind will only shorten their dating pool because of their ‘inaccurate” perception. It doesn’t matter how well they think they can describe a race – over half of them won’t be described…and it goes to show they have no idea what they’re talking about. In the end, that’s their bullshit problem…and nobody else’s.

    Newsflash, Asia is a damn continent – not a country. Asia is DIVERSE. Asia is not just China, Japan and Korea.

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    1. That is an excellent suggestion… ask them to articulate the reasons. I can’t imagine that goes on long before some degree of self realization (or oblivious display of ignorance) happens. I am seriously going to start doing this.

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  6. Great post and I am totally with you on this. It’s SOOOO racist to just completely exclude an entire race of men. The whole “it’s just a preference” thing is just window dressing. I don’t buy it. It’s like all of these women I first met when coming to China who told me they were attracted to Chinese men and I was thinking, “What?”

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