Here’s the original post from Quora.com. It’s a narrative post from a young woman who went from saying, “I don’t date Asian men,” through a process of self and cultural realization to joining the ranks of the open minded and self loving. Now she has crushes on Asian men.
Edit: I haven’t read my own answer in a few months, and seeing it now I wanted to add this edit. This answer is reflective of my experience as an Asian American woman. I cannot speak for an Asian woman that grew up in another country.
My intent is not to offend or judge anyone- everyone is molded by their own experiences. This is mine.
This is a question I have discussed for many years with my female asian friends. I will answer this question in first a nutshell then in a longer explanation. This answer is a little harsh, and only applies to the Asian American woman who refuses to date Asian men (like the Asian woman who answered the question above)
The reason why Asian American women are not attracted to Asian men IS not because Asian men are unattractive. It is because these Asian American women are dealing with issues of self-hate and denial of their own identity and culture.
Ok here is the long-winded part……
0. Attraction….What is it?
I’m not a sociologist or psychologist, so I don’t know the real definition. But attraction is in its most shallow nature how you react to someone’s appearance and how that makes you feel. When you are immediately reacting to someone’s “Asian-ness” and immediately rejecting that appearance, you are rejecting the qualities of your ethnicity. You are rejecting the qualities of yourself. This is severe, but if you follow the same path of logic: you may subconsciously find yourself unattractive.
This is seen in the post from the first Asian woman above, where she describes what is not attractive about asian males… she may be describing traits of herself and other female Asians in general. How are Asian women not exempt from the characterization below?
the face, in general. this is the #1 reason. this might include: small, dainty, depthless eye, a small, undefined nose, the lack of a prominent browbone, one of the defining features of masculinity and testosterone, wide faces, lack of heigh, small/narrow build
(And there are many Asians, both male and female, who look different from this characterization.)
Remember — attraction is subjective. Asian males are not born unattractive. Your own mind has come to this conclusion given different inputs. If you find an Asian male unattractive, it is because of you, not because of them.
1. Why I started to care about this (yes, it was my family)
I used to feel this way– from middle school through college, I did not find Asian men attractive. I remember telling my brother this and he was extremely hurt (obviously). Even then I didn’t realize how damaging that was: I stated it to him very matter-of-factly and I felt that heck, everyone should understand and accept that preference, why wouldn’t they? Then my dad asked why I didn’t date Chinese men in college. I repeated the same answer. He was also very angry and hurt. My mom was hurt. Everyone was hurt. Why was everyone so hurt? This is my life, this is my preference!
Much later on in life I realized they were hurt because I was in essence, rejecting them. Rejecting my family’s appearance. Rejecting my family’s identity. Rejecting who they are is rejecting who I am. Choosing to dismiss a whole class of men that I biologically look like is dismissing myself.
2. How did this happen?
The answers to this one are mixed.
a. No Asians in the media. Young Asian-Americans in this country only see leaders who are white/black. Heroes are not Asian (unless they are in cartoons). The beautiful cheerleader on TV is blonde. (Side plug: this is why its important to support the young Asian American artists on Youtube, who are actually already very successful.)
b. Maybe you grew up somewhere where there were not a lot of Asians and the only Asians you hung out with were family members which definitely doesn’t help the attraction bit.
c. There is a two-way pull here. There is also a trend for non-Asian males to also “prefer” Asian females.
3. When I started to find Asian men attractive:
It wasn’t a switch. It just didn’t turn on. At some point after college I just started to become more comfortable with myself and who I was. I began to rediscover what was great about my culture and accepted and learn to joke about some of the more embarrassing things about my culture. I also started to care less about strangers judging me and spent more time caring about people I cared about. I really don’t know what it was, age? Maturity? I just started having crushes on Asian men. That’s it.